“Do not envy a man of violence, and do not choose any of his ways.” — Proverbs 3:31
The experts all agree: carrying yourself with calm, clarity, and control is just as much a self-defense tool as pepper spray or a Glock 19. You don’t have to wait for a situation to get physical to start protecting yourself. In fact, if you’re doing it right, it won’t get physical at all.
Whether you’re walking home late at night, inadvertently caught up in a protester’s diatribe, or just navigating someone else’s bad day, knowing how to de-escalate a confrontation can help you stay safe without a single punch, shout, or show of force.
This isn’t about being passive. It’s about being intentional. Here’s what that looks like.
1. Get Your Nervous System on Your Side
Someone gets loud. Maybe aggressive. Maybe in your face. Your heart rate spikes, your hands tighten, and your brain starts scanning for exits or something to throw. That’s your survival brain talking. Totally normal.
But if you can ground yourself in that moment, you become the calmest person in the room—which is exactly who holds the power.
- Take a slow, deep breath.
- Loosen your shoulders and jaw.
- Plant your feet hip-width apart and stand tall—neutral, not aggressive.
When you self-regulate first, you make better decisions. You’re also less likely to say or do something that escalates the situation.
2. Use Body Language That’s Clear but Non-Threatening
We’ve all seen someone posture for a fight: puffed chest, squared shoulders, arms tense. That kind of body language signals a challenge, even if you’re not trying to pick one.
Instead:
- Keep your hands visible, ideally palms open and up.
- Turn your body at a slight angle—not directly squared off.
- Don’t fidget. Don’t point. Don’t make sudden moves.
You want to look calm, alert, and in control—not scared, not confrontational, and definitely not ready to throw down. People respond to that energy.
3. Speak Softly, Stay Neutral
Words matter. Tone matters more. If someone’s yelling or baiting you, you don’t need to engage on their terms.
Try:
- “I don’t want trouble.”
- “Let’s both take a breath.”
- “I hear that you’re upset.”
You’re not trying to “win” the interaction—you’re trying to interrupt the emotional spiral that could lead to violence. A low, even voice slows everything down. Acknowledging what they’re feeling (without agreeing or arguing) gives them an off-ramp. That’s your goal: give them space to back down without losing face.
4. Set Boundaries and Give Options
If things are heating up, don’t just absorb it. You’re allowed to set clear, calm boundaries—especially when safety is on the line.
- “I’m going to take a few steps back now.”
- “We can either talk this out or take some space.”
- “Let’s pause for a second and come back to this.”
Choices help someone feel in control, which can lower their sense of threat. Just make sure your tone matches your message: firm, but not hostile.
5. Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, despite your best effort, the other person wants the fight. That’s when your job shifts from de-escalation to disengagement.
- Keep scanning: Where are the exits? Are there people nearby? Cameras?
- If it’s safe to leave, leave. Don’t argue. Don’t justify. Just go.
There is no moral victory in standing your ground with someone looking to blow up. There’s wisdom in knowing when to extract yourself with your dignity and safety intact.
Above All Else: Keep You and Your Loved Ones Safe
De-escalation isn’t about being meek or soft. It’s about responding to tension with a plan, a calm nervous system, and a clear sense of your own authority. And it’s a skill that gets sharper the more you practice.
As Jews navigating public spaces in uncertain times, we can’t afford to rely on physical strength alone. Your presence, your tone, your ability to ground and respond instead of react—those are defensive tools, too.
Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is help a situation not turn violent.